Perspective

I came home to a dark empty house.  For one whole hour, mine.

No lights on, totally silent.

I flicked lights on, walked around, changed from my work clothes, fed the cat.

I warmed up some food, sat on the couch in the lamp light.

It was silent.

Way too silent.

I watched a little Battlestar Galactica I got in the mail off of Netflix.  I drank half a beer.

And I rejoiced exactly one hour and fifteen minutes later, when this man came home, with these kids.

Sometimes, alone time is not all it is cracked up to be.

Miles and I nursed.  And then Adam got Miles to bed in 30 seconds flat.  And then June and I had our normal night, plus a little extra tucking in her new Cinderella barbie into her own bed.  And some, "Mom, Mom, when I say huummmm-hmma-hmm-hmm, that means, I need a drink of water."  Okay babe.  For the fiftieth time because you think it is fun.

I'm just glad you are home.

June Days :: 22

June and her Dad.

They are sleeping right now. For fifteen minutes I sat poised in the living room, not making a sound. Not doing anything. Listening to June cry and call for me for about two minutes. She kept up for about five total. Then it went quiet. About ten minutes in she cried for me again. It has been silent now for about ten minutes. This is a good thing, yet it is so hard for me to stay out of it. I consciously back up and leave room for Adam to parent quite often. And he is a wonderful, loving parent.

When I first started this blog I posted about "before becoming a parent" a few times. (See here and here and here.) I know motherhood changed me a lot and in unexpected ways. Often I wonder if I will ever be how I was before. I also wonder if I want to be. We are so thoroughly a family now and a couple no longer. I suppose that is another subject though - the loss of "just the two of us." For now the loss I am feeling is the loss of control, the letting go of a chapter. You see, since about last August I have been the exclusive put-June-to-sleep parent. And June is still nursing. I know I would like to sleep better. I know I sometimes want nursing to be over with... but I think 55% of me is unsure where that will leave me as a parent. Sure, I'll still be mommy. But so far, this mommy has nursed. And nursing soothes many woes.

If parenting has taught me anything it has been patience. And now it is teaching me acceptance of change. And how to let go of control. Damn it's hard.

For a long time now June has been very attached to me, almost exclusively so. And while sometimes it gets old, I have just loved it. How could anyone not enjoy being the recipient of so much love?

How do you win the war between the desires to hold on and let go at the same time?

[It is funny, I have been blogging and checking blogs and before I published this I found that Tucson Mama is thinking about this topic as well. See here.]

A Mothering Moment ::

Since tomorrow will be about my mom, it seems fitting to devote a little time today to the mom that is me. I just unearthed this photo from what from seems like AGES ago, but was only February.

What it says to me is, "your baby is growing up." (Too fast.)

We hardly ever use the Ergo anymore. That thing was indispensable for a long time. Now, we just use it for hikes and she is worn on the back. This photo shows our use of the ergo in all its glory. I like the way Adam took it. Somehow it seems like he sneaked up on us and captured this moment. It is true that I was trying to hide in public, which is never an easy task, especially once you try to breastfeed. Suddenly droves of people appear and for some reason they all seem to notice when you lift your shirt up....

I've been a fairly anxious mom. Especially when June was smaller. It gets easier, and I relax. But the baby crying phases, the times when she just needs a nap and for that she needs her mommy, nothing better get in my way. It brings out the mama bear.

I'm happy for the days to get lighter, and for that to include my mothering and the stress and anxiety that came along with it. As June gets more capable, that seems to be happening naturally. Sometimes I wish I were more easy going from the get go. At others I just have to embrace that this is me, and it is how I manifest my love for my baby. I think it all strikes a balance.

Happy Mother's Day Eve!

Life Around Here

This post is about our domestic life. Little scenes around the house. Things we are doing and things June is learning.

The weather is getting warmer, and it is the best time of year here in Tucson. Nice temps - not too hot. We've been busy working on the house. It seems the effort to keep it clean is endless. That and keep up with the yard work. We barely manage either, and the clutter is out of control. Every project completed is very satisfying.
{Discarded socks. Mom's hairs on the floor, ew!}

June is showing more and more personality all the time. Today at the grocery store she was obsessed with the Crocs display. She carried around two pairs of different color blue crocs in her size and did not want to let go of those for anything.

{The cutest shoe pile ever.}

She's been napping well lately - I hope I do not jinx it by documenting it.

Despite the falls, she seems to have a cautious nature. Outside, she will crawl when she reaches the steps of our patio. She also walks around the house for the most part, but ... we have thresholds in most of the doorways because our floor is not level. And whenever she gets to a doorway she reaches over and holds on to the side of the wall for support as she traverses the wood plank obstacle. That's the way to describe it - it is a baby obstacle course around here.

{Toys, messy mat...}
We've gotten rid of the colorful alphabet mat. That thing was being pulled apart by Miss June so frequently that it was annoying. Plus, it was hard to clean.

Last night at bedtime I was telling June, "it's time to go night night. Daddy will have to give you a kiss in bed." She was walking beside me into the bedroom, and at hearing that she turned herself around, walked over to her dad, gave him a kiss, and walked back to the bedroom. That was a major first.

She loves books. The other night I was reading her one of her favorites, the very busy spider, and I realized she could say most of the animal sounds in the book. The only one I haven't heard her say is "moo." I wish I could record her rooster sound. It goes, "doodle doodle-oo." She will repeat that one to herself. Oh, and when she wants to read that book she will pick it up, carry it to me, and say "neigh neigh" which is the first line with animals in the book. Pretty neat. It makes me so proud.

{Outside of a restaurant, June found the only pile of dirt to be found and, well you see.}

She loves my toothbrush and calls it a "boop-buh."

She just started drinking juice now and then. Her appetite has grown.. and so has she. I can't wait until her 15 month doctor's appointment to see how tall she is now.

Nighttime sleep has been patchy lately. I hope it is just a phase. Though she got two new molars recently (total is up to four) so that may be the culprit. I have been exhausted. And starting to feel like I am ready to give up all the night time nursing. Maybe.

The Business of Being Born

This afternoon I went to a screening of "The Business of Being Born." I feel proud that a friend of mine organized its showing (my dear friend Melissa).

I feel in shock after watching it, a little like being underwater and not knowing what my thoughts are yet. My birth was so difficult and so different than I had planned. I feel so jaded about midwifery and what it has to offer. In my experience, it is more about the bond you make with your practitioner than anything else. But giving birth is definitely a rite of passage. I was thinking about it on my way home...

I miss the me before motherhood. I miss her body, I miss her free time, and I miss her outlook on life. Sometimes I wonder if that longing will disappear, and when. I don't want to go back to life without June, obviously. I just wonder when my inner loner will have a moment to herself again. I wonder when I will feel like I have enough time for my spouse again.

I still have a little bit of other-mom-envy. You know, those moms who appear so graceful and healthy in their parenting. So confident, so just plain uber-mom. They are the moms whose dress fits just right.

And me, I compartmentalize my several aspects and try to give each of them the love and attention they deserve. Presently though, they all feel a little undernourished. It is just a mood to be sure, but it is a strong mood.

And now my melancholy butt is going to go make dinner.

Firsts

Last night, for the first time, June stood up in her playpen. Not that her standing is a new thing, I just hadn't ever seen her do it in the playpen, mostly because we rarely use it. Despite all that, it was impressive. It made me realize that she has no problem standing anymore, and that standing without support will probably happen soon. [The hard part is with each gain on her part is another level of child-proofing that must be done ASAP. Maybe it will help me develop a recognizable form of organization!]

Life with June is full of firsts, and I only wish I had begun this blog sooner so that I could have captured them all more completely.

Over this past weekend we had another first: a play date. Let me just say, it IS all about the mothers at this point, and it is a great thing. New motherhood can be so very isolating. We mothers need to unite just for sanity. [Insert fantasy here about conflict-free communal home life where we got all the help we ever wanted and were never criticized.... AHhhh. Lovely.] Anyway, June's play date with Marshall, or rather mine with Melissa, was *fantastic.* Thanks Melissa. Let's have another play date soon.