June and her Dad.
They are sleeping right now. For fifteen minutes I sat poised in the living room, not making a sound. Not doing anything. Listening to June cry and call for me for about two minutes. She kept up for about five total. Then it went quiet. About ten minutes in she cried for me again. It has been silent now for about ten minutes. This is a good thing, yet it is so hard for me to stay out of it. I consciously back up and leave room for Adam to parent quite often. And he is a wonderful, loving parent.
When I first started this blog I posted about "before becoming a parent" a few times. (See here and here and here.) I know motherhood changed me a lot and in unexpected ways. Often I wonder if I will ever be how I was before. I also wonder if I want to be. We are so thoroughly a family now and a couple no longer. I suppose that is another subject though - the loss of "just the two of us." For now the loss I am feeling is the loss of control, the letting go of a chapter. You see, since about last August I have been the exclusive put-June-to-sleep parent. And June is still nursing. I know I would like to sleep better. I know I sometimes want nursing to be over with... but I think 55% of me is unsure where that will leave me as a parent. Sure, I'll still be mommy. But so far, this mommy has nursed. And nursing soothes many woes.
If parenting has taught me anything it has been patience. And now it is teaching me acceptance of change. And how to let go of control. Damn it's hard.
For a long time now June has been very attached to me, almost exclusively so. And while sometimes it gets old, I have just loved it. How could anyone not enjoy being the recipient of so much love?
How do you win the war between the desires to hold on and let go at the same time?
[It is funny, I have been blogging and checking blogs and before I published this I found that Tucson Mama is thinking about this topic as well. See here.]