They are sleeping right now. For fifteen minutes I sat poised in the living room, not making a sound. Not doing anything. Listening to June cry and call for me for about two minutes. She kept up for about five total. Then it went quiet. About ten minutes in she cried for me again. It has been silent now for about ten minutes. This is a good thing, yet it is so hard for me to stay out of it. I consciously back up and leave room for Adam to parent quite often. And he is a wonderful, loving parent.
When I first started this blog I posted about "before becoming a parent" a few times. (See here and here and here.) I know motherhood changed me a lot and in unexpected ways. Often I wonder if I will ever be how I was before. I also wonder if I want to be. We are so thoroughly a family now and a couple no longer. I suppose that is another subject though - the loss of "just the two of us." For now the loss I am feeling is the loss of control, the letting go of a chapter. You see, since about last August I have been the exclusive put-June-to-sleep parent. And June is still nursing. I know I would like to sleep better. I know I sometimes want nursing to be over with... but I think 55% of me is unsure where that will leave me as a parent. Sure, I'll still be mommy. But so far, this mommy has nursed. And nursing soothes many woes.
If parenting has taught me anything it has been patience. And now it is teaching me acceptance of change. And how to let go of control. Damn it's hard.
For a long time now June has been very attached to me, almost exclusively so. And while sometimes it gets old, I have just loved it. How could anyone not enjoy being the recipient of so much love?
How do you win the war between the desires to hold on and let go at the same time?
[It is funny, I have been blogging and checking blogs and before I published this I found that Tucson Mama is thinking about this topic as well. See here.]
Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain.
Life is change, and new adventures/identities await you, June, Adam....
(I'm telling myself this more than you.....lots of issues with future empty nest syndrome on my mind of late...)
The photo of June and her Daddy is so sweet. Letting go is so tough.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you should ever begrudge yourself of something that, in the end, will make you a better person and parent. For one, you will always be mom, no matter what actions that entails. Two, you are entering, or have already entered, the age of play, play, play, not to mention full time work that is coming, and sleep is essential to being happy and healthy, and isn't that what June and Adam and YOU need the most? June (and my own little Bean, I must remember that) will move from needing to nurse for comfort to simply needing a hug and a kiss. Needing you for comfort won't change, it's just HOW you comfort that will. :-)
ReplyDeleteoh, giving up that control is so hard, I know. My husband has been putting my son to bed for a few months now, and for the past month my little guy will go without needing to nurse until morning. It is wonderful in some ways to have a break, but on the other hand I feel left out, like I'm not as important anymore. It's hard...
ReplyDeleteAh, so hard...
ReplyDeleteOne surprise I had, though--when our son weaned himself (quite young, around a year), he became even more snuggly with me. A treat. And I still have special mama powers, somehow, even without nursing anymore. It's nice, even if it means that I am the go-to parent when he's really sad...
Thanks Julie for the support. I'll find my way through all this eventually. Snuggles will surely help. :)
ReplyDeleteI think I must be about one half step behind you. Mishi is still drinking so much milk from me, all the time. She needs it for day time naps, and for bedtime, and then about 4-5 times during the night. And other times during the day, as well.
ReplyDeleteI am at the place where it is more of a chore, most times. Of course, I still love it - mainly when I take the time and just slow down and be with her, rather than resenting that I'm having to be giving giving again and again.
But, right now - for me - it's even more tiring to go to the next step and ease her off the feeding, and to start the weaning.
I have been pregnant or breastfeeding for about four years now - and it really is so totally tiring.
It's wonderful that you are just sitting there, listening, and letting Adam take on the next process. That really is the hardest part, I think. Listening to your baby call your name, and not going to them. But I think that crying is okay, as long as they are with someone who loves them. But I remember that sitting on the edge of the seat, making myself not step and take my oldest child away from my husband when he was weaning.
Good luck with it all. Junie will always always go to you, things will shift, yet stay the same. Think about how you feel about your Mum - she is always the one that you go to.
Sleep well!!