Mystery of Motherhood

When I was growing up, my mom did not like getting her picture taken. In fact she avoided the camera pretty much. Pre-digital, people didn't seem to take so many pictures anyway. I sometimes lament that there are so few pictures of me taken from the time I left home until the time I met Adam. It is like they are lost years, though I kept journals during that time. But being such a visual person, it feels a little sad not to have the photos.

I feel the same about not having many photos of my mom. And likewise, I never knew my dad's mom and barely met my mom's mom. I piece together ideas of them through stories I've heard and lots of imagination. And a couple photographs to try to picture them as wives, women who were once girls.

But it is not just photos that are lacking. I think with the haze of motherhood that surrounds us moms, our individuality is buried somewhere. We spend our days figuring out how to best care for our families. We clean, we cook, we work. We structure time. We play with our kids.

I wonder what will be remembered? I know what I want June and little Fox to remember. I want them to remember me as available. As the creator of yummy things. As the source of original comfort. As a person who will always be there for them, no matter what. These things, and many more.

But I also hope that through this blog I leave enough clues about what I'm like that someday maybe if they look for me, they can find the woman behind the mom.

Mom, thanks for letting me get to know you during my years in Anchorage. If it weren't for that, you'd be lost behind foggy childhood memories and high school arguments. I'm happy for the time we had to get to know each other as people. And this adult experience, it just lets this whole idea of "motherhood" grow into something more.

To all the mothers on Mother's Day. To being whole people in addition to mothers.
To finding our places and confidence in who we are as moms.


  1. beautiful post. thank you.

    i do feel so sad that i didn't get past my own ego of youth to be able to know my mum in a different way. (would have been lovely to be able to communicate with her, when i was a mum - to have that different connection).

    i'm going through that thing, right now, of the thoughts of "self" compared to "mother". it is hard to separate who you are, and to remember the girl and woman i was before having kids. simply - i am a different person now, and cannot be who i was then.

    but it's so lovely to have memories and aspects (photos, stories) of our mums and grandmas from when they were girls. such pretty young things. so beautiful.

    happy (belated) mother's day. xxx

  2. so beautiful. thank you for this post. i sometimes wonder also what are my kids going to remember about me.... and sometimes i fear that they won't because of my lost of individuality nowadays centering my whole life on my family.

    thank you for the post and i hope my kids remember me as i would like them to.

  3. happy mother's day!
    what a beautiful little story this is. i love the pictures and their sweet sepia quality.

  4. My Darling Daughter,
    Motherhood becomes you. You possess a strength of character and depth that only parenting can provide. As mothers we strive to be all we can be despite the pressures of daily living. I always knew I wanted babies but I never imagined how wonderful it would be to see my children become adults and my friend. I cherish the brief time when you returned to Anchorage as an adult giving us the opportunity to appreciate each other. I am blessed. Mom

  5. PS.
    You were a beautiful baby and very loving.

  6. Thanks Mom.

    I love you.


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