This afternoon I went to a screening of "The Business of Being Born." I feel proud that a friend of mine organized its showing (my dear friend Melissa).
I feel in shock after watching it, a little like being underwater and not knowing what my thoughts are yet. My birth was so difficult and so different than I had planned. I feel so jaded about midwifery and what it has to offer. In my experience, it is more about the bond you make with your practitioner than anything else. But giving birth is definitely a rite of passage. I was thinking about it on my way home...
I miss the me before motherhood. I miss her body, I miss her free time, and I miss her outlook on life. Sometimes I wonder if that longing will disappear, and when. I don't want to go back to life without June, obviously. I just wonder when my inner loner will have a moment to herself again. I wonder when I will feel like I have enough time for my spouse again.
I still have a little bit of other-mom-envy. You know, those moms who appear so graceful and healthy in their parenting. So confident, so just plain uber-mom. They are the moms whose dress fits just right.
And me, I compartmentalize my several aspects and try to give each of them the love and attention they deserve. Presently though, they all feel a little undernourished. It is just a mood to be sure, but it is a strong mood.
And now my melancholy butt is going to go make dinner.