Today was rough; June started throwing up at 2 a.m. and I am seriously hoping that right now, now that she is sleeping, she won't throw up her breastmilk. You see, she has thrown up after nursing all day today until now. But nursing is the key to sleep. What a hell of a conundrum! I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.
Here is a picture I don't think I've posted before, of June and I during her first month. For pictures of her just after her birth, scroll to the end of my birth story, here.
"From your first moments of life I wanted to protect you. Your consciousness was so brand new; I wanted all your experiences to be pure love and comfort. I wanted to meet your needs before you knew you had them so that you never had to cry."
I also wrote about the way we would remark on every little thing June did, like "look she almost smiled!" "Look she opened her eyes!" And all of those things. We cherished them all, and still do.
Oh! SOOO Sweet!
ReplyDeleteThey seem so perfect, babies. I just never wanted to do too much, never try to change their will. Seemed to me, they were perfect to start, and I could only mess it up.
My ideal parent was always this fictional South American native tribesman/woman, in a hammock, just mostly spending the day rocking and petting the baby. Doing what needed to be done to survive when necessary. But no college dreams. lol
Wow. Such underachieving undertones to me....
I think we have a similar ideal parent in mind. My sister has a theory that they are their own people from the beginning. She semi-scolds me when I claim pride in June, because she is her own person. Thi sis true, but we are also intertwined. Don't you feel that everyone you've ever loved is part of you somehow? And with your own child, it is hard to separate.
ReplyDeleteI do admire the concept though, and remind myself of it a lot.
I suppose I will do it a lot more when I have an independent toddler screaming and throwing tantrums!
I just revisited what you said about being intertwined.
ReplyDeleteYes. I can see that. I'm not sure what repels me from that feeling so much! It isn't inherently evil. lol Probably more human, and humane, than my laissez-faire style.
I'm sure a shrink would be able to figure it all out.
Maybe, if I were honest, I am really SO wrapped up in my kids that I try to separate. Could be not having a real, viable career of my own during their babyhoods, and early childhoods made me afraid to become something.....without a separate identity?